Every Common Ranked by how much I want them to top me

A continuation of last night’s post. Time for the commons!

CAVE GOBLINS

By goblin standards she is very well kempt, and she is definitely a top. Horde climber is definitely the peak of goblin toppery, which unfortunately is still not that high.

B Tier.

Once again do not sleep with laughing clawmen. We’ve been over this.

F Tier.

This is another call the mounties situation – and then call the UN to investigate the cave goblins use of child soldiers.

Disqualified.

He has a dog although his dog is not a good boy. This dude is only in it for himself – and his terrifying hell hound.

F Tier.

BREAKERS

He’s attractive and well kempt and wind powers are always a plus. He doesn’t have anything wrong with him but he’s also not blowing me away – well except literally.

A Tier.

Wow they are hot, as covered before archery is always a plus. Their shoulders are incredible and as stylish as any of the breakers.

A Tier.

…and we have a winner! Holy fuck this woman is incredible, best-dressed member of one of the best-dressed factions. Perfect hair, perfect eyebrows, both a bow lesbian and a sword lesbian. I am in fact stupefied.

S Tier.

Breaker commons do not miss, mind witch is hot and she knows exactly what you want. The only thing keeping her from S tier is a faction uncharacteristic dishevelledness (look at the tatters on her clothes and she gotta get her hair in order) but dammmmn.

A Tier.

SAVANNA ELVES

Border arches is hot don’t get me wrong but something just isn’t working for me. I think it’s a lifetime of fantasy cheesecake drawing that has enured me to the cliches of a loincloth-clad skinny archer lady. Compared to makienda ru her design somehow strikes me as much more generic. Shes also shooting an arrow with her eyes closed which seems incredibly dangerous.

B Tier.

These are animals with no real indication of human intelligence.

Disqualified.

Spirit mage’s pose is powerful, confident, and domineering. He has a good glour going and what’s more despite his powerful art mechanically he is entirely a support character. This man here is top tier top material.

S Tier.

VANGUARDS

So right off the bat this man’s proportions are hilarious. This absolute beefcake boomer has the energy of an action hero crossed with a mall santa. Despite his absurdity he is objectively a stud and a protector and if I account for gender bias he’s an easy

A Tier.

This guy is handsome and rugged but also a massive bottom and you cannot convince me otherwise.

C Tier.

Does my love of armour counteract my ambivalence towards bald monk guys. Apparently no. This square is gonna get mad at me for jaywalking and be convinced that because we held hands once we have to get married and you better believe this dude’s church doesn’t believe in divorce.

C Tier.

She is stylish, has a big hammer, and she is going to take care of you. I’m not 100% she is a top but she is still coming in high.

A Tier.

FALLEN KINGDOM

These are corpses with no indication of intelligence or personality.

Disqualified.

This twink is willing to die for his master (who he will not stop going on about), this man is incapable of topping. He just wants to recruit you into his downline.

F Tier.

Incidentally, we do know what female hellfire cultists look like and holy shit. She wields tremendous power and lesbian energy and the art has graced us with the homoerotic trope of her lifting your chin with her demon sword. This woman has nothing going for her in the top department physically but compensates in spades with sheer force of will.

S Tier.

POLAR DWARVES

She’s very cute and I’m sure she would be a wonderful person to share a fur within her frozen homeland but she is not a top. Once again ice powers aren’t really a plus.

B Tier.

I don’t want to think about this.

F Tier.

This dude has a bear. You know that anyone who has a bear is capable of both incredible strength and gentleness. Putting aside gender bias anyone who can tame a bear can get it.

A Tier.

Despite his absurd muscles, this guy is a bottom. After a long day making frost axes for ungrateful warriors he just wants someone else to take charge and appreciate him.

C Tier.

TUNDRA ORCS

Wow, this lady is just incredibly powerful. She is very hot but could use some notes on style. When it comes to hair she has her unkemptness working for her rather than against her. A very strong contender.

A Tier.

I’m sure he’s hot or whatever but he will not stop going on about how enlightened he became after consuming some plants your pretty sure are just straight-up poison. If that’s your thing no judgement but even soft drugs give me panic attacks so I’m going to have to pass.

B Tier.

Smasher can smash. There are logistical problems when someone is this huge but you’ll jump through whatever hoops it takes. This himbo seems like a sweetheart, kept from S tier only because their are diminishing returns on being huge.

A Tier.

Tundra challenger is very similar to tundra fighter in style but with far more reasonable muscle mass and more self control.

A Tier.

PHOENIX ELVES

The biggest thing the guardian has going over other phoenix elves is that glour. That is the flour of a hunk on a romance cover. He’s very much an edgy version of the far friendlier citadel knight, which isn’t a turn off. What does take him down a notch is his goofy arched eyebrows and his weaponizable chin.

B Tier.

This edgy twink isn’t a top.

C Tier.

Ember Mage is also not a top, a seemingly common curse amongst commons. She’ll tell you she can top but she’ll get tired. She has very pretty robes and hair tho.

B Tier.

On one hand its dangerous to be around him for too long. On the other hand he can show up whenever you want provided you have the ember keyword. Ember Beast is a decisively subpar service top. More convenience than quality like the instant ramen of tops.

B Tier.

CLOAKS

HOLY FUCK. She has the glour, she has the style, she has the confidence. You know she put an inordinate amount of effort into ensuring her hair was the exact right amount of wild and out of place. This woman is the sort of beautiful you know where you’re sure you’re just a side character in her story and you would beg for a bigger role – specifically love interest.

S Tier.

Textually a verse but can top better than most. The big bushy eyebrows are fantastic, the muscles are fantastic, the belly is fantastic. The entire treasure chest on his hip is sending me with it’s absurdity but damn this dude can get it. Steampunk might be incredibly cringe but it got a few things right and one of those things was engineers in white tank tops and goggles they never seem to actually wear.

A Tier.

This one is a hard case for my gender bias because jesus on a dude that is a punchable grin. On a woman it would still be a punchable grin but like also super hot maybe. He’s gotta good anime hair thing going on and that cloak is very stylish. My biggest concern as with most cloaks is that I’m not 100% on him being a top.

B Tier.

This guy is going to steal my favourite shirt and I will never see it again.

C Tier.

Special Mention: All of the cloak art is of absurdly hot people. Like all cloaks they are intrinsically verse coded but damn do I want to be the vanguard in out of shadows and smoke bomb lady is S tier easily oh geeze.

SKYSPEAR AVIANS

Aerie dive is a lot like Rath but can pull it off a lot better,

C Tier.

The prettiest of the avians – and absolutely not a top.

C Tier.

I get that all the avians have talons Sentinel’s are particularly vicious. Also no all that pleasant a bird to look at.

D Tier.

This meek lil guy is the biggest bottom on this list. This is the nerd you bump into rounding a corner causing him to drop all his books. It’d be your fault and he’d apologize to you.

D Tier.