Work has fried my brain but I still am afflicted with the content curse. I crave only to post.
So in the interest of laziness I am going to steal Lily Haaron‘s iconic video format and rate all the named character thus far released in summoner wars second edition by how much I want them to top me.
CAVE GOBLINS
Okay we are not off to a strong start, I’m sure this lil scraggly guy does it for someone but not me. Everything about his art suggests he’s pretty unkempt and not all to pleasant to touch or smell, just sort of a mess all around. I bet he’s pretty funny tho.
D Tier.
This just seems dangerous.
F Tier.
Smeg is sneeks but more – smellier, slimier but also goofier. I feel like if you can look past all the grime and gobliness she brings some fun goblin energy. Not exactly what I’m looking for in a top but idk maybe she’d surprise me.
C Tier.
This just seems dangerous and smelly.
F Tier.
BREAKERS
Taculla is our first real contender and has a lot going for her. She’s mysterious, powerful, stylish, clearly a top, and explicitly by game mechanics alluring. She is a little bit scary in an existential, dating a vampire, “how do I know I’m not literally under your spell” sort of way. But that honestly seems in large part the appeal.
A Tier.
Gulldune is where I must reveal a tremendous degree of bias: as a lesbian I really can’t fairly evaluate the men folk. This is a handsome man in uniform which decades of pop culture has taught me does a lot for the straight girls and certainly if I imagined a gender swapped gulldune she’d be A tier easily. Also his mindpowers aren’t as scary as Teculla’s either as he doesn’t so much delete your agency as he just gives orders with his brain, which actually seems pretty damn hot. In the interest of not just giving every guy D tier I’ll try to rate them as if I was bi.
A Tier.
Not only can gwalark fly but he can make other people fly too, which both opens up fascinating new opportunities and just makes all manner of logistics involving where arms and elbows go just a heck of a lot simpler. Supernatural powers aside I have some notes. The bald monk aesthetic doesn’t really do it for me and you know you can’t get holier than thou than a guy who is both an aesetic and can fly so he’s probably insufferable. There’s like a 50-50 chance this dude does not in fact get it and he probably is convinced that not having sex gives him super powers.
B Tier.
Hot, Stylish, Composed, Explicitly both forceful and unmoveable. She knows exactly what she’s doing and her hands and gaze make me feel a way.
S Tier.
SAVANNA ELVES
He’s well dressed, he likes animals, he definitely goes on about like “interconnectedness of all things” which would ordinarily would annoy me but it helps that he is absolutely provably correct. He’d definitely drive me mad going on hikes all the time. This dude looks extremely gentle in temperament and he probably could top but it’s def not his area of expertise.
B Tier.
Holy fuck aaaaaaaaaaaa. Okay so like:
-She is incredibly well dressed.
-You know she’s strong being an archer and all.
-She’s definitely a confident leader, idk if it’s ever stated anywhere but I assume she is the captain of the border archers.
-Good eyebrows.
-She has a fucking falcon!
A Tier.
He is a lion. An intelligent lion sure but like… still.
F Tier.
We are back to the danger zone with Mumway, although knowing savanna elves I’m sure he’s like super graceful and caring despite his size but like… he’s a big tree he can only go so high.
D Tier.
VANGUARDS
Sera and her brother are disqualified and if you argue with me I’m calling the mounties.
Disqualified.
Holy fuck. Regal! Dignified! Mighty Physique! A lady in armour! This woman can top so hard its absurd. Incredibly powerful lesbian energy. Also that name!
S Tier.
Coleen is similar but lesser in everything I loved about Stoutheart but what she does have in exchange is a clear mechanical representation of her being a protector. Coleen can absolutely top you but more than that she will care for and protect you.
A Tier.
FALLEN KINGDOM
We’ve been having too good of a time so now time for a faction that’s going to struggle to break C tier. Ret is uh. Does anyone find the monarch attractive? Caus that’s what I imagine Ret sounds like. This dude definitely sucks at sex and you cannot convince me otherwise, if you like him it has to be for his passion for villainy caus he’s got nothing going for him other than his drive.
D Tier.
Do not have sex with this spooky clawed skeleton man. He will steal your soul and he won’t stop cackling. It will not be worth it.
C Tier.
A bottom.
F Tier.
So you’re taking this creepy cultist up to your bedroom caus they had a cute goth aesthetic and then, just as she gets to the door she asks “hey would it be cool if I burst into flames and summoned my hunky demon bf”. Do not say yes to this, I don’t care if you think it would be hot this shit has gone on long enough and we can’t encourage this behaviour. Letting Elut-Bal top you is letting the unicorn hunters win!
Putting aside my bias against men if elut-bal was an equivalently hot lady demon than fucking lock me up before she gets me acting unwise.
B Tier.
POLAR DWARVES
Svara is strong, definitely a top, and has some unique potential with her powers – although all the furniture in her house is made of ice so you might want to bring her to your place.
A Tier.
This boomer is absolutely into some freaky stuff. Which might be what your into but…
D Tier.
Ice powers in general are never going to be a plus, but she is pretty and carries herself with some gravitas. Also dear god the artist decided to give her a huge butt.
B Tier.
This guy seems pretty hot and he’d definitely help do some home repairs. This man out here single-handedly destroying Red Green’s dichotomy of men by being both handsome and handy.
B Tier.
TUNDRA ORCS
This is another case of my desire for fairness conflicting with my lesbianism. As is this guy would be a C at best but if Grognack was Grogna holy fuck would this beefcake be an S.
S Tier.
Similiar vibe to Grognack but a little bulkier and a lot less handsome. Maybe its the beard or the severity of this guy’s eyebrows. There is a youth and vigour to grognack while ragnor looks stiff and old. Still you could do a heck of a lot worse.
C Tier.
Somewhere out there a monster fucker is salivating. That monster fucker is not me.
F Tier.
This creepy witch lady is actually quite pretty and she only seems weedy compared to other orcs but if you look at her arms she clearly still has muscle definition. She definitely knows some weird stuff and I for one want to learn what she has to teach.
A Tier.
PHOENIX ELVES
Time for the faction that just rocks the tier list. Phoenix elves are just incredibly hot in general but Maldaria’s face is what throws her to the very top of S tier. She might not be very strong, but she has so much lesbian top energy that she could power a country. Her hair and clothes are superb. Also mechanically she is even more toppy. When she calls, you come. I want her to step on me.
S Tier.
Fanessa is a power bottom by preference but is still a better top than most of the people on this list. Sexy, elegant, tough as nails, and probably surprisingly strong in that way dancers often are.
A Tier.
Holleas is that type of like brainy top where they aren’t exactly physically imposing but you’re just so in awe of their mind you’re just going to listen to them cause they surely know best. I hope she’s into bimbos for my sake.
A Tier.
It’s a dragon, I guess it has abs
D Tier.
CLOAKS
Vlox is an action-adventure pulp hero kinda guy. A lil classy, a lil rugged, almost insufferably smarmy, but has undeniable charm. His outfit is absurd but I respect the audacity. Vlox is to be clear, a verse.
A Tier.
Admiral can get it and with that has more experience than most. Just don’t get too attached because this dude 100% has a bigger emotional attachment to his pistol than any actual person.
B Tier.
Dagger is super cute and she’s got a great aesthetic. I respect the robot arm but I worry she might be a bottom. I definitely wouldn’t mind dating this mischief woman but in a pure topping competition I’m afraid I can only put her so high.
B Tier.
Sin-sin once again is incredibly cute but do not let her confidence fool you, she is a verse and you gotta catch her first in some elaborate homoerotic cat-and-mouse game first before she’d ever even consider topping you. I’m not saying she wouldn’t be good at it but jesus she’d make you work for it.
A Tier.
SKYSPEAR AVIANS
Okay I’m going to struggle with avians because they have giant goofy bird heads. Don’t get me wrong they are very pretty in the way that birds are pretty but like. Actually imagine the head of a dove but its the size of a human head. Imagine looking into such a creature’s black empty eyes. Also gosh the paranoia that would come with hollow bones, I shudder to think.
Ava is particularly pretty but she always wants to bring her friends along.
C Tier.
Sairook is a very lovely blue colour, but you always come second to his gang of friends he’s had since middle school.
C Tier.
Gilford is definitively a top and his loose collar reveals a supreme confidence in his drip. He is unfortunately still a massive birdman.
B Tier.
Rath refers to you and all the other women she’s been with as her conquests, which might be charming in it’s own fuckgirl sorta way if she could pull it off.
She cannot pull it off. Stay away from this greasy bird woman.
D Tier.
Rosalind Chapman 